Law of the Jungle

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  • fighting
  • monkey
  • Sulawesi

TOUGH love practised by the Newquay Zoo in Cornwall.

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Born to be mild

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• It's been a bad day .. take a bow the M62!

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Capital punishment

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• WENT down to London where - to paraphrase Bill Bryson - they seemed to be having a smoking competition and eveyone was joining in.

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Pain in the neck

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  • sleep

ONCE upon a day I could drink all night and play football the next morning. Sometimes without even vomiting.

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Bursting for Wii!

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  • christmas
  • shopping

The kids revealed their Christmas shopping wish lists over weekend. And they both have their birthdays in December so it's doubly whammy on the cash front.

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Smoke and rear view mirrors

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  • cigarettes

TOP TIP: Drivers, keep you car ashtrays clean by simply throwing fag ends out of the window.

Yes, they will bio degrade eventually but ... a) in this day and age (I sound like my mum now) it's strangely shocking to watch someone willfully throw litter and b) have you ever seen anyone seen the number of fag ends at the kerbside?

Actually my car doesn't have an ashtray - or if it does, I can't find it. But it does have has two cigarette lighters. Go figure.

Ronald Castree

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IS there's a more unpleasant man on God's Earth than Ronald Castree ?

He killed and sexually assaulted Lesley Molseed then stood by as Stefan Kisko was fitted up for it by the police.

No doubt gentle, innocent Stefan made lots of nice friends during his 16 years inside as a convicted paedophile.

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Bonfire Night

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THANK God Bonfire Night's over with - at least the neighbourhood no longer sounds like the rougher end of Baghdad and the cats can come out from under the bed.

We had some Aussie relatives - or "rellys, mate" - over recently and they could not believe we allowed high explosives for sale ... at corner shops ... to 16-year olds.

( Personally I've bever been a fan of cornershop fireworks since Johnny Baldwin put a Little Demon in the hood of my Parka in 1969. )

Down Under it's strictly regulated and exhibition fireworks only and for once the Aussies may have a point.

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